When getting married a bride has so much to consider. She must find the perfect gown, the perfect location, and the perfect flowers. She spends months planning and making all the necessary arrangements and when the big day arrives, she’s ready. Or is she? Here’s a collection of unusual, and sometimes humorous, traditional wedding precautions for the bride who wants to make sure she’s thought of everything (and isn’t taking any chances).
Advice for Picking the Date, Oh, and the Weather
In his Almanack for the year 1655, Andrew Waterman, a mariner, made a list of days whereon it is good to marry, or contract a Wife, for then Women will be fond and loving.”
According to Waterman, grooms had anywhere between five and six days a month when his bride would be even remotely tolerable enough to marry. Rumor has it that Mrs. Waterman caught wind of the list, confiscated it, and then decreed that from that day on, no man would be left to his own devices to plan a wedding, or make any lists.
According to traditional wisdom, the weather is one of the biggest indicators of marital bliss, or misery.
You will shed a tear for each raindrop that falls on your wedding day, and thunder during your wedding signifies unhappiness in your married life.
Wait, thinking of postponing due to rain? Think again.
The postponement of a wedding is an almost certain sign that either the bride or groom will die within a short space of time, a year or two, so that when a date is once decided upon for the marriage, the ceremony must be performed, no matter what the weather conditions may be.
It would seem the only way to safeguard against these tragedies is to hold the wedding in a place where the weather cannot possibly affect it. Perhaps on the space shuttle, or in a soundproof, waterproof barracks located several miles below the earth’s surface. Be prepared to pay extra for the caterer’s travel expenses.
The Big Day
Of course the bride and her attendants will want to make sure that everything goes perfectly on her wedding day. If you follow this early American advice, you’ll have to be sure to come prepared.
It is unlucky if a bride does not weep bitterly on her wedding day. She takes it by tradition from her Fellow-Gossips, that she must weep shoures upon her Marriage Day: though by the vertue of mustarde and onyons, if she cannot naturally bring them forth.
A bride’s thoughtful Fellow-Gossips” might bring mustarde and onyons for her to tuck inside her bouquet so she’ll surely cry buckets. An especially sweet Fellow-Gossip-of-Honor might even consider using pepper spray. Just remember that the goal is to make the bride completely miserable.
And Last, But Certainly Not Least, the Happily Ever After
The first one to go to sleep on the wedding night will be the first to die.
The first one who drinks a glass of water after the ceremony will rule.
Whatever you do, don’t get these two mixed up.
Worried about the possibility of future infidelities? Here’s the trick:
The fur of a cat blowing the wrong way means that your husband is looking favorably at another woman. This may be counteracted by greasing the fur.
That and the fact that when he walks into the room to find his wife frantically greasing the cat, he’ll know exactly what level of crazy she’s capable of.
On the morning following the wedding, the bride has the privilege of asking the husband for any sum of money or piece of property that she pleases. The husband is honor bound to give it to her.
At last, here’s the lucky bride’s chance to finally be Queen of Paris. After all, if everyone has survived the wedding to this point, she deserves it.